I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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