mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
