Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
