My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
