textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
