I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
