I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
