3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
he's gonorrhea incarnate
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
