Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
