Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
