just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
