Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
