Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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