from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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