"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
why do cheetos always look like penises
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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