Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
