she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Randomize
