i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
