that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
she peed on how many people?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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