i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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