the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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