he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
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