when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
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