yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
