apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
