Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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