so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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