I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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