What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
They have beer where we have blood.
Randomize
