I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
