i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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