Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
