4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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