we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
