just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
