In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
