Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
