I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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