I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
