If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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