you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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