drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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