Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
