my phone needs a breathalizer
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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