You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
