I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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