Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
