Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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