he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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