4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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