he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
