Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
