Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I don't deserve a penis
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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