i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
