The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
