I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
