Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
