Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
