This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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