on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
