College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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