How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize