and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
