I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
