Rock
Scissors
Fuck
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
